Funny Retirement Jokes

Retirement has a certain amount of humor with it. Not only is it the chance to roast the retiree, but it’s also a chance to poke some fun at the prospect of aging itself. People live longer when they can laugh long and loud and that’s what these funny retirement jokes are intended to do. There are all sorts of jokes that can be found today about retirement, so we’ve broken them down into some specific categories for you to enjoy.

Use these jokes for your retirement toast, at the watercooler at work, or as a way to have a laugh behind your computer screen, tablet, or other mobile device right now. We’ll leave the choice up to you.

Here Are the Funniest Retirement Jokes To Enjoy

Some of the best jokes are one-liners. They are short, sweet, and have a funny punch to them. The key to a great one-liner is in the delivery, so some of that is lacking here considering you’ll be reading the funny retirement jokes instead of hearing them. Even so, these are the best of the best that humanity has managed to create so far.

1. How can you tell that you’re getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
2. Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
3. If the music’s too loud, make sure that you turn down your hearing aid.
4. With retirement, time is no longer money. It is its own money.
5. Money might not provide happiness, but it does help to keep the children visiting on a regular basis.
6. The key to preventing old age is to take regular naps, especially while take a drive to the grocery store.
7. The best way to judge the quality of a retiree’s life is to count the number of cats they own.
8. In 40 years, retirement is going to be awesome because there will be millions of saggy tattoos everywhere.
9. Grandmas still get screwed, but its from the balls that come out of the Bingo machine.
10. Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
11. Sex during retirement is proof that the inventor of the light switch was the biggest genius humanity has ever known.
12. You know you’ve hit retirement when you receive regular gift baskets from your chiropractor.
13. Between the Viagra and the prune juice that doctors have prescribed, it’s hard to know if you’re coming or going during retirement.

Here Are Some of the Longer Yet Still Very Good Retirement Jokes

Sometimes a story tells a joke better than a one-liner. You’ll find that these jokes will solicit a chuckle out of you right now and can be used for more laughter when you tell them to others. For some added emphasis, consider inserting the name of your favorite retiree into some of these jokes.

1. Today we would like to thank George for his service to our organization. George here is someone who does not know the meaning of a lunch break, who does not know the concept of an impossible task, and is someone who does not understand the meaning of the word no. For his retirement, we all pooled our resources and decided that the best thing to get George was a dictionary.

2. Three retired men go to the doctor to have their memory checked. The doctor asks the first man what 6×6 happens to be. The man answers, “252.” The doctor sighs heavily and asks the second man the same question. “Thursday,” says the second man. The doctor rolls his eyes in irritation and disgust. He comes to the third man and asks the same math question. The third man says, “42.” The doctor looks surprised. “That’s awesome!” the doctor declares. “Do you know how you got that answer?” The man smiles. “That’s easy,” he said. “I just subtracted 252 from Thursday.”

3. Abigail just celebrated her 95th birthday. Expecting a surprise party from her family, she hurried over to answer the knock at her door. Instead of birthday guests, it was a vacuum cleaner salesman. Abigail points to the sign that says “No Soliciting” and then tries to slam her door closed. The salesman stops it. “Ma’am, if you give me 5 minutes of your time, I’ll show you how your life can be easier with my vacuum cleaner.” He then dumps a container full of cow manure onto her carpet. “If I can’t clean this up with my vacuum, then I’ll eat what is left.” Abigail smiles at the man and invites him in. “I’ll get you a spoon,” she says. “The power has been out since I woke up.”

4. Bill hates Walmart. He hates the store with a passion. Eventually the manager of the store wrote Bill’s wife a letter, telling her that Bill has been banned from her store. “Although I appreciate a retirement,” the letter said, “we cannot have a man running around in his underwear handing out condoms to pretty women. It is also inappropriate to pee on our ‘Caution – Wet Floor’ sign. The reason for banning him, however, was that your husband kept going through the self-checkout line with one banana and kept trying to have our cashier accept a coupon for baked beans.” After reading the letter, Bill’s wife shrugged. “Guess it’s my turn, Bill,” she said.

Who Doesn’t Love a Good Retirement War Joke

Those who have reached retirement age have seen a lot of hardship in their lives. Some lived through the Great Depression. There are veterans who served in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam. They have seen the worst of what humanity can do, survived it, and now are living the best life possible in retirement. Here are some jokes to honor those folks.

1. A veteran of World War II flies into France and is stopped by a customs officer. “I need to see your passport,” the veteran is told. The veteran looks at the officer. “I’ve been admitted into your country before without a passport. Why are you stopping me now?” The customs officer looks miffed. “Everyone must show a passport to enter France. It is the law. You did not enter this country without a passport before.” The veteran stares down the customs officer. “I landed at Juno Beach in 1944. There weren’t any customs officers demanding passports then.”

2. After returning from an appointment at the VA, Harold was feeling pretty good. He’d finally received news that he’d beat his prostate cancer and was rushing home to tell his wife. About halfway there, he gets a call from her. “Harold!” she yells. “Be careful! There’s some crazy driver who is going the wrong way down the highway.” Harold laughs. “It’s even worse than that, honey,” he tells her. “There’s hundreds of them doing that.”

3. Merle has been living in an assisted living facility for about a week. He loves the nurses who give him a sponge bath, the food is ok, and having free cable TV is pretty cool. His kids come to visit him and there are two attendants who help to get him out of bed and have him sit up. Merle tilts to the side a little bit after a moment and the attendants come over and have him sit up straight again. This happens 4 more times. Finally Merle’s kids ask him how he likes the place. “It’s fine enough,” Merle answers. “I just wish that they’d let me fart.”

4. Nancy loves social Bingo. She loves it so much, in fact, that she’ll visit several senior centers throughout the week so that she can play every day. One day, however, Nancy found out that Bingo had been replaced by a special show that a hypnotist was conducting. She walked into the middle of the show, realized there was no Bingo, and cursed loudly. “Oh S**t!” It took the senior center 2 whole days to clean up the entire mess.

Best Retirement One Liners

Getting old might mean you’ve got one foot closer to the grave, but there are some perks that must be considered as well. For instance, you’re usually too broke to be considered a kidnapping target. No one ever expects you to run anywhere. You’ve already learned all of life’s lessons the hard way. You can wake up at 4am, have dinner 3pm, and ask every store about their senior discounts. Instead of holding in your stomach, you don’t even bother to wear a shirt. Best of all, the cash you’ve sunk into your health insurance finally starts to pay some dividends.

There are plenty of funny retirement jokes on the Internet today. These are just a few of the best that we know about. Share your own today, have a good laugh, and the world will become a slightly brighter place to live.

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